The core of Habit 5, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is: first seek to understand the other person, then strive to make the other person understand you. This is the key to effective interpersonal communication, and it is exactly what I have been most lacking in getting along with my mother and my 4-year-old son. Looking back on past communication scenarios, I always fell into the trap of “self-centeredness,” habitually pushing out my own views, imposing my own ideas, and even communicating with my son with the “paternalistic” posture of “elder authority,” which in the end left my son unwilling to open up and frequently created a rift with my mother as well. This runs counter to the principle of “seek first to understand, then to be understood,” and it has made me deeply aware of the problems in my own way of communicating.
In communicating with my son, I ignored the importance of “understanding first,” violating the core of empathic listening. Habit 5 stresses that most people listen not to understand the other person but to respond, and that is exactly what I did. Every time my son expressed a thought—whether absorbed in toys or raising some request—my first reaction was not to patiently listen to his feelings and the reasons behind them, but to immediately interrupt and lecture, judging his behavior with my own experience and my status as an elder, with things like “Why are you so unreasonable,” “It’s all for your own good, you must listen to me,” “What’s there to complain about in such a small thing.” This way of communicating is in essence imposing my own pattern on the child, without standing in his shoes to understand his vulnerability, curiosity, and rebelliousness as a child, and without giving him the “psychological air” to express emotion. That said, my own father treated me the same way from childhood, which caused me to unconsciously pick up these incorrect ways of thinking and communicating.
As Habit 5 mentions, in interpersonal communication 60% relies on body language, 30% on tone of voice, and only 10% on words, yet I focused only on the “correctness” of my own words and ignored the emotions conveyed in the child’s expression and tone—when he is silent, it’s not submission but resistance; when he lowers his head, it’s not admitting fault but feeling wronged. Over time, the child found that no matter what he said, all he got was criticism and lecturing, so he chose to close his heart and no longer wanted to communicate with me. This is the direct consequence of my “talking only about my own views and ignoring the other’s feelings.” I always thought I was “educating” the child, but forgot that the premise of education is understanding; I always wanted the child to follow my advice, but forgot that only a person who feels understood is willing to accept influence.
One: General: A 5-Step Process You Can Execute Every Day (Can Be Done in 1 Minute)
- Pause first: hold down the urge to “speak up”
The moment the other person starts speaking, silently say to yourself first: “Understand first, don’t judge.”
Pause whatever you’re doing for 10 seconds, look the person in the eye, and lean forward slightly (this tells the person: I’m listening).
- Listen more for “feelings” and “needs,” less for “right and wrong”
Record two keywords in the other person’s words: emotion (happy/wronged/angry/afraid) + need (wants to be affirmed/wants security/wants help/wants respect).
Example: the son says “I don’t want to go to school,” behind which might be “anxious about being compared/fear of making mistakes”; the mother says “Why are you not eating on time again,” behind which might be “worried about your health/habit being ignored.”
- Confirm understanding in one sentence (paraphrase + emotion)
Formula: “I hear that you are… (emotion), because… (content), and what you care about most is… (need), right?”
To the son: “You don’t want to go to school today because you’re worried about doing badly and being compared, right?”
To the mother: “You’re so worried because you’re afraid I can’t take it physically, and afraid the home will be a mess, right?”
- Give “psychological air” first, then advice
First make a deposit: “Thank you for being willing to tell me / I understand you.”
Then, when giving a plan, use a questioning tone: “Would you like to hear my thoughts? / Would it be a bit better if we tried this?”
- Use “open questions” to guide expression, not interrogation
Ask less: “Why not go?” (easily triggers defense).
Ask more: “What was the one thing at school today that you cared about most?” “How do you want me to help you?”
Two: For the Son (Child): Concrete Ways to Drop the “Paternalism”
1) One “10-minute lecture-free chat” every day
The topic doesn’t touch on studying or correcting errors. Only chat about:
“What was the happiest/most annoying thing today?”
“How would you like me to act so you’d be more comfortable?”
Rule: no commenting, no correcting, no grand principles. You only paraphrase and confirm: “You’re sad/angry because…”
2) Change “commands” into “negotiation + choice”
Command form: “Go do your homework now!”
Replace with: “There are two homework items; which one do you want to do first? I’ll be with you for 10 minutes, then you continue on your own.”
3) In a conflict, “cool down” first, then communicate
The moment you start to get impatient or want to lecture, stop immediately:
“I’m a bit anxious. Let me take 3 minutes; we’ll talk again afterward.”
For the child, this teaches him: emotions can be handled, not just endured.
4) Replace “criticism” with “describe the fact + give a choice”
Formula: “I see… (fact), I hope… (expectation), you can… (choice).”
Example: “I see you’ve thrown the toys on the floor (fact). I hope the room is a bit tidier (expectation). You can pick up this pile first, and I’ll help you sort them together (choice).”
Three: For the Mother (Elder): Concrete Scripts for Correcting Less and Empathizing More
1) In the face of nagging/old-fashioned habits: empathize first, then set boundaries
Scripts:
“I know you’re worried about me; I’ve taken it in.”
“I understand this habit of yours, but right now I want to do it my own way. Would you be willing to give me a bit of space?”
Key: acknowledging the emotion ≠ agreeing with the behavior.
2) Avoid “reasoning-style correction,” use “consultation-style expression”
Don’t say: “Stop imagining things; it’s useless.”
Instead: “Mom, I’d like to hear what you’re worried about, and let’s see together how to arrange it more reliably.”
3) Proactively give “certainty” to satisfy the elder’s need for security
Elders fear the “unknown” and “being ignored.” You can:
Give an update every day: “I ate today, rested on time, and I’ve handled things at work.”
Say important things in advance: “I’m going on a business trip next week, the itinerary is… I’ll report in every day.”
Four: For Work (Colleagues/Subordinates): Listen First, Talk Later; Judge Less, Align More
The workplace is another arena where I easily fall into “self-centeredness.” In the past I often carried the banner of “efficiency first” at work, turning communication into one-way information push or command issuance. Especially in technical discussions, requirements reviews, or one-on-one talks with subordinates, my first reaction was often to quickly judge right and wrong and give a conclusion, rather than first understand the other person’s situation and concerns. On the surface this habit sped up decisions, but in fact it planted many hidden dangers: colleagues dared not express their true thoughts, subordinates chose to conceal problems, and cross-department collaboration descended into mutual buck-passing—in essence, all because I didn’t give them enough “psychological air.”
1) Meeting discussions: switch from “rebuttal” to “paraphrase”
Past: the other person was only halfway through, and I was already rushing to say “but,” “no,” “there’s a problem with this.”
Now: first force myself to paraphrase the other person’s core view once, confirm my understanding is correct, and only then express a different opinion.
Script: “I hear that your plan is… (paraphrase), and your starting point is to solve… (need), did I understand correctly?” “I also have a different angle I’d like to add—would you see if it’s feasible?”
2) To subordinates: change “assigning blame” into “probing the cause”
Past: seeing a schedule delay or a bug, the first thing out of my mouth was “What did you do?” “Why is there a problem again?”
Now: first understand the blocking point and emotional state behind it, then figure out a solution together.
Script: “I see this milestone is two days later than expected—where are you mainly stuck? Not enough resources, or did the plan change?” “It’s fine, let’s look together at how to minimize the risk.”
3) Cross-department communication: align on the goal first, then discuss the division of labor
Past: the first thing I did was stress “our department’s needs must be met,” turning the communication into a zero-sum game.
Now: first clarify the other party’s KPIs and pressure points, and find a common goal.
Script: “What’s your core goal this quarter? Does our requirement help your goal?” “If the schedule is tight, can we deliver in phases, ensuring a win-win first?”
4) Accepting feedback: drop the defenses, hear the emotion
When others question my plan, I easily enter a defensive mode, rushing to explain “why I designed it this way originally.”
Now I’ve learned to take a deep breath first and shift my attention from “proving myself” to “understanding the other person”: behind his questioning, is it a worry about risk, or uncertainty about the outcome?
Script: “Thank you for bringing it up directly; I hear that your concern is… (paraphrase). I indeed didn’t consider this point thoroughly enough—let’s go over it again together.”
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” at work is not about giving up your own views and being a nice guy; it’s about first making sure, before you express yourself, that you truly understand the other person’s needs, concerns, and emotions. Only when the other person feels understood will he be willing to drop his defenses and look for the optimal solution together with you.
Five: “Emergency Scripts” You Can Use Right Away (When Facing an Argument/Confrontation)
1) The child resists communication
- “I won’t argue with you. I want to know first what you’re thinking. Would you pick a time when we can talk properly?”
2) The elder’s emotions flare up
- “I understand you’re very angry/worried right now. Let’s pause first; once you’ve calmed down I’ll listen seriously.”
3) A colleague/subordinate is resistant
- “I sense you have some concerns about this plan. Can you tell me what you’re most worried about? I promise to hear you out first.”
4) When your own emotions boil over
- “I get impatient easily when I talk right now. Let me step away for 2 minutes and come back after I’ve calmed down.”
Six: A One-Week Practice Plan (Simple and Sustainable)
Mon/Wed/Fri: to the son 10 minutes of listening only, not asking about right or wrong
Tue/Thu: to the mother 3 minutes of paraphrasing and confirming (“I hear that you…”)
Wed/Fri (at work): to colleagues/subordinates at least once a day “paraphrase first, then give advice”
Saturday: review ask yourself:
When today did I rush to lecture again?
When did I listen first, and the result was better? (write down examples)
Habit 5 stresses, “Unless you are influenced by the other person, you cannot influence the other person.” In the past I always tried to influence my mother, my son, and my colleagues with my own views, but never thought of first being influenced by them, of first understanding their world. From now on, I will strictly follow the methods above, strive to practice the principle of “seek first to understand, then to be understood,” drop the “paternalism,” drop the domineering, and first be a listener and a understander, and then a guide and a companion. I know that changing a communication habit of many years is hard; at first I may not resist interrupting and lecturing, but I will constantly remind myself: the purpose of communication is not to persuade the other person but to deepen understanding and draw closer; true influence does not come from authority, but from the trust that follows being understood.
May I truly achieve “seek first to understand, then to be understood” in communicating with my mother, my son, and my colleagues—a little less self, a little more understanding; a little less lecturing, a little more listening—so that our relationships become more harmonious and warmer, and communication truly becomes a bridge connecting us, rather than a wall dividing us. If needed, I can also tailor more fitting, copy-paste-ready communication scripts for the conflict topics that commonly arise at home.
评论
0 条评论