“In this world, no one’s interests are completely aligned with yours.”
Li Weichen’s My Grandmother Never Had Internal Friction (《我的外婆，从不内耗》) is a book that I read with both delight and heartache. The delight is that in it, the grandmother’s life wisdom pierces through, sentence by sentence, the hypocrisy and manipulation wrapped in the cloak of morality; the heartache is that those childhood traumas the author experienced are precisely what too many people are going through or have gone through.
This is a book about how not to bully yourself.
Who the Grandmother Is
The grandmother grew up in a merchant family that had been run by women since the Qing Dynasty. She was short in stature, weighing only 80 jin, yet she lived out a role that no one dared to neglect. At 73, knowing only a few English words, she dared to drag two large suitcases alone to Canada to live for half a year; at 88, she calmly asked her granddaughter whether she liked girls, and expressed her respect for her choice.
Her creed in life is simple: “Live one day, and be happy for that day.”
But this happiness isn’t naive ignorance—it’s a clear-eyed choice made after weathering the vicissitudes of life. The grandmother had the deepest insight into human nature and the keenest understanding of the mundane world; every one of her decisions was resolute and hard for ordinary people to comprehend—because she never lived inside others’ expectations.
1. Cognitive Awakening: Stop Bullying Yourself
1. Forcing the Weak to Repay Evil with Kindness Is a Kind of Wickedness
In elementary school the author suffered from school bullying, and her parents always said, “Why doesn’t he bully others, only you? You should be more magnanimous.” This “repay evil with kindness” style of education made the bully feel that bullying her cost him nothing, so he became even more unbridled.
The grandmother’s attitude was entirely different. She used animals in the forest as a metaphor: A rabbit might die if a big tiger steps on it. Not teaching the rabbit to dodge, but instead making the rabbit “repay evil with kindness” and endure being stepped on, is essentially a kind of wickedness.
“Any knowledge must be applied in light of your own circumstances. A child must first learn methods of self-protection and of coping with being bullied by others in order to grow up healthily. Only when you become a lion do you have the standing to say ‘it’s okay’ to the tiger.”
This sentence is deafening. Too many people take the principles that the strong use for self-improvement and force-feed them directly to the weak, who don’t even have the ability to survive. The saint’s standard is meant for holding yourself to, not for emotionally blackmailing your child with.
2. Separation of Tasks: If It’s Not Your Fault, Don’t Take It On
The book raises a point that left a deep impression on me: It’s certainly wrong to make excuses for every problem that arises, but it’s also unfair to attribute every problem entirely to yourself.
For the parts that we can’t change with our own abilities, next time just go around them. If it’s your own responsibility, actively reflect and have the courage to bear it—but don’t rush to shoulder responsibilities that aren’t yours.
“On the road of life, if you carry every burden that isn’t yours onto your own back, you’ll grow more and more exhausted.”
Many people who are depressed and anxious are precisely the kindest, gentlest, most habitually self-blaming people. They haven’t yet formed a stable self-perception, and once they hit a problem they attribute it all to “I’m worthless.” The author hits the nail on the head: “Why do you bully yourself like that?” All we need to do is catch up on what we missed—nothing more.
3. Invisible Psychological Control: Beware of People Who Make You Uncomfortable
The book describes a scene of family education overheard in a restaurant: a father made his child pick one of two options; the child chose the teddy bear, and the father started accusing the child of being selfish, ungrateful, and inconsiderate of his parents. When the mother tried to speak, the father told her to “get the hell out.” The child could only silently shed tears, and the father said, “I didn’t hit or scold you, I just calmly discussed it with you, and this is your attitude!”
This kind of harm is extremely hidden—even the child’s mother was powerless. The grandmother commented: “He’ll disguise it as being for your good, as helping you. If anyone tries to untangle the logic, he’ll rudely shut them down. He may not be aiming to clarify the problem at all—just to crush you and make you more obedient.”
The author gives several signals for identifying this kind of controller: labeling you; nitpicking and magnifying one small mistake of yours; implicitly accusing you in the words; disguising it all as “for your good.”
“As long as the other person’s words or actions make you uncomfortable, don’t self-justify. Questioning and judging flow from above to below; self-justifying is an act from below to above, and once you self-justify, you fall into the trap of a subordinate position.”
2. Self-Protection: No Need for Shame
1. To Love Others, You Must First Love Yourself
When the grandmother was young she lived through an era of material scarcity. Once, after seeing a doctor, she was weak and couldn’t walk at the doorway, and she heard the doctor inside say, “The one just now won’t live past 40.” Later, when family members came rushing over with milk, the grandmother—with her back to the doorway—drank all the milk, even drinking the water used to rinse the bottle, sharing none of it with anyone.
This action sounds “selfish,” but the grandmother’s logic was crystal clear: If she herself died of illness, who would carry a pregnancy and give birth, work to support the family, and provide for her parents-in-law and sister-in-law?
“To love others, you must first love yourself; otherwise you cannot protect those you love. Love is never plunder. When you’re weak, you should seize the time to cultivate yourself, and not bleed your energy outward.”
2. If You Don’t Protect Your Interests, Who Will?
Once on a bus, a person forced the grandmother to give up her seat and even grabbed and pulled at her. The grandmother said with a smile: “Sorry, I’m pregnant!” The person instantly deflated.
Afterward the grandmother explained: if she had shown her senior-citizen card, the other person could say the card was fake or the photo didn’t match—he’d have plenty of arguments to rebut with. If you don’t even try to protect your own interests, no one can help you forever.
“If a person always presents themselves as weak, they’re easily bullied; and the more you’re bullied, the less you’ll respect yourself.”
3. Safety in Advance: Vigilance in Times of Peace Is Not Needless Worry
From the moment she started working, the grandmother saved a portion of her wages every month—even if she could only save a single cent. Under her bed she always stored food, water, and medicine; she bought herself insurance, got regular health checkups, treated minor illnesses immediately, ate healthily every day, and befriended people of solid character.
“We live in a world full of uncertainty. Being vigilant within the limits of your ability and being prepared is actually buying insurance. Keep the initiative in your own hands as much as possible; only with inner stability do you avoid making mistakes in a rush.”
3. Learning to Relax: Put Down the Burden
1. That’s Not Delayed Gratification, That’s Seeking Suffering
When the author was little, her parents imitated a psychology experiment for “delayed gratification” training: give a piece of candy now, and if you can resist eating it, give two after an hour. As a result, the author stared at the candy and endured, and when the time finally came, her parents happened to have something to do and went out.
When the grandmother heard about this she was furious: “No matter how many things you don’t need, they can’t compare to a small portion obtained when you need it—two pieces of watermelon later can’t compare to one piece now.”
“Delay often brings not satisfaction, but regret. Willpower is a psychological resource, and it’s limited. Expending willpower on meaningless things is a waste.”
2. Don’t Eat Meaningless Bitterness
Many people extol “suffering is glorious,” but the grandmother believed: All that talk about “when heaven is about to confer a great responsibility, it will first make you suffer”—sometimes it’s just words of self-consolation. Grinning and bearing it isn’t strength; finding a way to solve a problem when you hit one is true strength.
“The most precious thing for a person is time. Frittering away your life in showy suffering, wasting the period when your mind is sharpest and your body is fittest, is the real waste.”
3. Making Yourself Happy Is the Top Priority
The grandmother said: “Happiness, like savings, needs to be accumulated.” In the face of things that can’t be changed, look for the beneficial part of them, act immediately, and make yourself happy.
“There is nothing that makes a person feel safer than believing in themselves.”
4. Physical and Mental Development: Invest in Yourself
1. Young People Have No Right to Content Themselves with Poverty
“When a person is at their most energetic and resourceful, they should push forward with all their might—learn more skills, earn more money, accumulate more. If you don’t run yourself well, you’ll give others a cheap impression, others will look down on you, and this invites endless trouble.”
The grandmother believed that the essence of money is time, and time should be spent like money. In 2010, cleaning cost 50 yuan an hour and could accomplish 4 hours of the author’s work. If the author used that time for tutoring, she could earn more than 50 yuan. Many people drift through life without any idea where their time goes or what it buys back.
“For young people, you should think more about how to improve yourself and how to increase income, rather than fixating only on cutting expenses. Saving money always has a ceiling; if you make saving your top priority, you’ll become timid, your social life will be limited, your information channels narrow, and your development opportunities will shrink.”
2. Don’t Let Yourself Be Cheap
The grandmother had a favorite saying: “First judge the robe, then judge the man; dressing well can save you a lot of trouble.” This isn’t vanity—it’s respect for the laws of human nature. The author was once stopped by a security guard outside a venue because she carried a canvas bag and dressed plainly; later, entering with a designer bag and a full suit, “her back unconsciously straightened a little.”
“When you’re weak, you must borrow momentum; clothes make the man. Later, when you have ability and confidence, carrying a plastic bag won’t matter.”
What’s crueler is the reality: a boss will recklessly over-exploit an employee from a poor family, because he knows that such an employee badly needs this job and won’t easily quit no matter what.
“The more a person feels they are precious, the more confidence they have to fight for themselves, and the more life can become the way they want it. Don’t accept cheap treatment from others, don’t deliberately lower yourself, don’t push away opportunities and good fortune.”
5. Interpersonal Relations: Get Along with Ease
1. Don’t Let Others Invade Your Heart
The grandmother had a philosophy for dealing with the world: “Don’t overly involve yourself in others’ karma, and don’t let others invade your heart.”
In interpersonal relations, what tires people out most isn’t actually doing things, but second-guessing, over-thinking, and wavering. Our energy is limited, so we should save it and concentrate it on the places most worth it.
“How it turns out, how others see it—that’s their business. Those who care carry the burden; those who don’t care are unbothered.”
2. Why Do You Always Give, Yet No One Is Grateful, and You Even Earn Resentment?
The book reveals a counterintuitive interpersonal rule: If a person always gives selflessly, their giving becomes cheap, and people rarely cherish what comes easily. “A peck of rice feeds a benefactor, a bushel breeds a foe”; when there are too many kindnesses that can never be repaid, the other party will rationalize your giving. Once you stop giving, the other party will feel you’ve done wrong, and even hate you for it.
The grandmother had a “only be cheated once” principle: trust the other person first, but as soon as you confirm they aren’t worth associating with, immediately distance yourself.
“A person’s time and energy are limited, and should be spent on yourself and on people worth associating with. Good steel must be used on the blade; that way our lives become more precious for it.”
3. Strength Is the Foundation of Interpersonal Relations
“The essence of interpersonal relations is the exchange of value. You must first see what you have to offer. You must first develop yourself; only when you have something to exchange with others does the possibility of cooperation become greater, and only then can cooperation last.”
The author mentions that people are sometimes just companions for a stretch of the journey; when the journey ends, don’t linger—keep walking forward, and there will be new scenery ahead.
4. Always Keep Your Initiative
The grandmother said: “You must never put yourself in the position of a ‘victim.’ Because we assume that only the guilty need to change; once you settle into the ‘victim’ position, you tend to emphasize others’ responsibility and the external environment, while you comfortably take no action.”
“Fairness is often not something you wait for—it’s something you fight for. Don’t always think ‘he wronged me’; think ‘what should I do.’ A bird isn’t afraid of a branch breaking, because what it trusts isn’t the branch—it’s its own wings.”
Conclusion: Be an Honest, Happy Person
This sentence of the grandmother’s is what moved me most in the whole book:
“I’ll always have to go first. Everything I do for you is so that I can leave with more peace of mind.”
She didn’t say “I’m doing this for your good”—that sentence is often the opening line of control. She simply, clearly, and with all her might, without depleting herself, gave the next generation everything she could give.
This book isn’t teaching people to be selfish—it’s teaching people self-love. It isn’t teaching coldness—it’s teaching clear-headedness. It isn’t teaching pettiness—it’s teaching boundaries.
The road of life is long, and the way is hard. May we all be like the grandmother—
To genuinely like ourselves, to believe we are good, excellent, and trustworthy, and then to bravely do whatever we want to do.
Book title: 《我的外婆，从不内耗》 (My Grandmother Never Had Internal Friction)
Author: Li Weichen (理微尘)
Reading time: April 2026
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