I long for my life to express goodwill and compassion, with heartfelt giving flowing between you and me.
——Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
Recently I reread Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, and this book completely changed my understanding of communication.
To be honest, my boss recommended this book to me years ago. Back then I would occasionally clash with people over some issues at work; my boss said I was too emotional and gave me a lot of advice, also pushing this book on me to read carefully. I did read it then, thought it made sense, and felt I understood it. But knowing is one thing—when things actually happened, I would still instinctively respond the old way. The content of the book never truly became my habit.
Reading this book again now, I’ve come to realize a truth: acquiring a skill is never something that can be achieved just by finishing a book; the most important thing is to keep practicing it in life and work. Nonviolent communication is not some profound theory—it’s a communication muscle that needs repeated practice.
Another feeling is growing deeper. Especially in today’s era of rapid AI development, humans can absolutely not outpace AI at writing code or articles. The gap in technical ability is rapidly narrowing, and especially for those of us in tech, pure coding ability is increasingly worthless. The only things AI cannot replace are the jobs that require dealing with people and getting along with people—communication and coordination, understanding needs, building trust. These soft skills have instead become core competitiveness. So learning nonviolent communication is not just about arguing less with people; it’s stockpiling irreplaceable ability for your own career development.
The Universal Fixed Formula
The core of nonviolent communication is four elements: observation, feeling, need, and request. Master these two basic formulas and most communication scenarios can be handled.
The Formula for Actively Expressing Yourself
State the objective facts you see or that happen, without adding evaluation. Then express the real emotion, explain the underlying need in your heart, and finally make a specific, actionable request. Note the difference between a request and a command: a request is something the other person can refuse.
For example: the project is delayed. Rather than saying “you’re always procrastinating,” say this: this week’s requirement was synced to you on Wednesday, and there’s still no feedback—this is the observation. I feel anxious—this is the feeling. Because I need project progress to be transparent and delivered on time—this is the need. Could you please sync the progress before you get off work today, and give a heads-up early if there’s a blocker—this is the request.
The Formula for Listening and Comforting Others
First restate the facts the other person mentioned, voice their feelings, guess their core need, and finally ask what they’d like you to do. This way makes the other person feel understood rather than judged.
For example, if a friend complains that work is too tiring, you can say this: right now, because you’ve been working overtime continuously on the project, you feel especially exhausted and aggrieved; actually you care a lot about the balance between work rhythm and rest time, right? What would you like me to do—chat with you or help you think of a solution?
A Word Bank of Emotions and Needs to Memorize
Many people stumble when expressing themselves, not knowing what words to use to describe their feelings. Here are some commonly used words.
Feeling words include: aggrieved, anxious, worried, disappointed, angry, at ease, settled, gratified, exhausted, helpless, sad, ignored, relaxed. These words are far more accurate than vaguely saying “I feel uncomfortable.”
Underlying needs usually revolve around these: respect, reliability, efficiency, security, being understood, being valued, punctuality, cooperation, clarity, rest, fairness, support. All arguments are essentially needs that haven’t been met; only by finding the true need can problems be solved.
Practical Example Sentences for Three High-Frequency Scenarios
Workplace Communication Scenarios
When urging progress, say this: this requirement was synced to you on Wednesday, and there’s still no feedback—I’m a bit anxious, because I need project progress to be transparent and delivered on time; could you please sync the progress before you get off work today, and give a heads-up early if there’s a blocker.
When there’s a conflict over a handoff gone wrong: just now in the meeting you directly rejected my proposal without hearing me finish the details; I feel a bit disappointed and a bit aggrieved—I need to be respected in communication and to have the logic laid out clearly. Next time we disagree, can we hear me out first before discussing?
When your leader piles on work and you don’t want to grit your teeth and bear it: this week I already have 3 urgent iteration tasks on hand; I feel great pressure and fear I can’t guarantee quality and quantity—I need reasonable scheduling and not to blindly pile on workload. Could the newly added requirement be pushed back two days, or could you help offload some of the simple work?
Everyday Interaction Scenarios
When the other person ignores your message and doesn’t reply: you didn’t reply to my message for half a day; I feel a bit panicky and feel left out—I need to be remembered and to have a response. When you’re busy, could you spare a moment to send a “busy” and that’s it?
When complaining that the other person does things half-heartedly: the thing you promised to help me with never got done, and you didn’t tell me in advance; I’m especially disappointed—I need reliability and following through on promises. In the future, if you can’t do it, let me know in advance instead of making me wait forever, okay?
Self-Communication Scenarios
The most important and most easily overlooked point of nonviolent communication is to talk to yourself well. Self-attack only drains energy; only understanding yourself can you find the motivation to change.
Today I slacked off and didn’t study or get anything done; I feel anxious and self-reproaching—I need steady progress and a sense of control. Next, first spend 20 minutes doing the simplest small thing, and don’t force myself to become fat in one bite.
Three Red Lines to Avoid
First, in observations, you must not add words like “always,” “never,” “every time,” “on purpose,” or “just.” These are all labeling and will immediately trigger the other’s defenses. Replacing “you’re always unreliable” with “the thing we agreed on this time wasn’t finished on time” makes a world of difference.
Second, distinguish feelings from thoughts. “I feel you don’t care about me” is a thought—it will lead to a fight. “I feel very sad, very disappointed inside” is a feeling—it can create empathy. A thought is a judgment; a feeling is a true emotional state.
Third, a request is not a command. The other person can refuse without falling out. “You must change immediately” is a command; “if it’s convenient, could you help me adjust it today” is a request. Keeping the other person’s freedom to choose is what lets a relationship last.
In Closing
Nonviolent communication is not a speaking technique; it’s a way of thinking. It asks us to first put aside judgment, see the facts, understand our own and others’ needs, and then make a sincere request. At first it feels awkward to use, like reciting lines. But with enough use you’ll find it’s the most effective way to build a sincere connection. A good relationship is not one that never argues, but one where every conversation lets each person understand the other a little better.
评论
0 条评论